What the hypocrites are saying
Have you ever heard the words, “the way you act affects me!!” How about when you communicate your own hurt to someone and they say, “I didn’t do that. It’s your fault for feeling that way.” Since you’re a keen observer you realize the same person who is telling you that your actions affect them are the same people avoiding and deflecting responsibility when confronted! And you’re all like, “WHY am I responsible for everyones feelings as well as my own?” Well, I hear you!
It’s not a coincidence. The only way you can acknowledge something in someone else (good or bad) is because it’s in you too! So no wonder this person is telling you how you affect them but doesn’t acknowledge how they affect others. Whenever you “affect” them, it *should* be a cue to THEM that they need to pay attention to their own actions. When they are frustrated with you, they’re attributing a meaning to that frustration and that meaning is YOU need to change. Wouldn’t it be nice if the whole world could just change for all of us on command? Well that doesn’t happen sister (or brother)! A better meaning would be, “where am I doing this in my own life?” or “who am I affecting but not noticing?”
So how do you deal with these HYPOCRITES??
First off, it’s difficult to deal with this situation when you get defensive and self conscious. Take note of the people who do this in your life and expect it from them. Write down how you usually respond to these situations. Next time it happens, don’t be surprised and stop yourself when you fall into your usual pattern of reaction. This is a time to be proactive. Write down how you’d like to respond instead and then respond that way.
Here’s an example response:
Next, you can set a good example for them by hearing them out (because you know it’s not you). Ask questions to dig deeper. Get to the heart of the issue. Be a detective. Your mission is to help them put a name to the feeling and tell the story behind WHY they’re giving that meaning to your action.
Ask some questions:
“Tell me more how my actions affect you?
What does that mean to you?
What feelings are coming up?
How would you like to feel instead?
What would make you feel that way?”
Following through with this requires leadership skills, patience and dedication to problem solving. Easier said than done!
Create a new meaning for yourself during these interactions. Let it mean they’re crying for help. Then step up to help them. They don’t have the skills or know-how to communicate their feelings in a different way. Being defensive and taking blame won’t help them. Focus on helping instead of focusing on yourself.