Some people find it sweet and comforting when someone worries for them, not me. I consider it a huge display of distrust and a burden at best. I grew up in a family who never let me do what I truly wanted, who always doubted my decisions and flashed me disapproving looks. With a mother who called me stupid for traveling alone and a father who vowed to never leave home. A brother who treated me as property and I would do anything for him to love me. Can you tell I have a little chippy chip on my shoulder about it? I felt trapped sometimes because with lack of support I couldn’t make the moves I wanted. Or so I thought. I got branded as a rebellious kid, because I was. I just couldn’t go along with the program. 2 parents and 1 owner we didn’t understand one another. I thought going off to college would help me get my distance and remove that heaviness I carried around. I thought it would help me become more independent and it might have helped a little but it didn’t give me the results I was looking for. After college I moved back home and through my mid 20’s I was still letting outside forces control me. Those forces included the same damn things that “controlled” me pre-college. The sharp looks and disapproving nature of my family that weighed so heavily on me it was paralyzing. Didn’t they know all I needed was support from them to be myself? Nope.
I let the weight of the world go along with anyone in my life who mildly mimicked my family’s behavior. Anything that made existence mildly hard, I steered clear from. I was done with complicated existences. I was above it. I distanced myself from my family. I cut them off for a while. I did things I said I would never do. I did things I was told to never do. I searched for the voice I desperately needed in ALL of the right AND wrong places. That voice was the one of my own. I fought hard for that voice and then I learned how to use it without fighting for it. And then I learned that it was there all along, all I had to do was use it.
Being truly on my own gave me confidence in myself and my own decision making. I built my own references through life experiences. A solid ground for me to stand on. A safe haven where I know I can handle any shit storm. And the funny part is I’m back at square 1. But now I’m the girl who has a voice and doesn’t always need to use it. When I get a glance and when I start to feel controlled I’m hyper aware and I can ask what it means to THEM.
Learn to make your own decisions without validation and without anyone else’s opinion. Self reliance means confidence in your own abilities. I’m a trial by error learner and I’m into taking DRASTIC measures to make shit happen, even if it’s the wrong thing. Figure out how you learn, discover what you need to be confident in yourself. Break it down situationally and do whatever it takes to get there.